Do you have ANY idea what it feels like to finally be able to think?
I mean, I've always been able to 'think' ~ but I've never been able to hold on to one of those thoughts for more than a fleeting second without an all-out game of mental tug-o'-war. Which, by the way, leaves me very tired and cranky by the end of a long day of doing that.
Welcome to the world of undiagnosed Adult ADHD. It's like someone is changing the radio station that broadcasts your thoughts every...oh, about every 5 seconds (if that long). It's looking around you and seeing what needs to be done, but being so overwhelmed by it that you shut down and stare at the walls instead of tackling it. It's going to the grocery store and leaving there, two hours later, in tears because there are so many people, so many lights and noises, and so many choices that you are frustrated and exhausted beyond belief. It's seeing disappointment on your family's faces because you didn't turn out to be the rocket scientist they thought you had the potential to be. It's getting in trouble for being late to work all the time...not because you were lolligagging in bed, but because you tried to do just one more thing before you left the house. It's your husband telling you for thirteen long years how lazy you are. It's your husband finally walking out the door.
I used to talk to my girlfriends who are also mothers and wives, some of whom even manage to work outside the home, and wonder how on earth they did everything. Because no matter how hard I tried, how much sleep I gave up, how many meals I skipped, I never, ever got enough done. I never got anything finished! And I hated the evenings. Cooking supper, cleaning up the kitchen, bathing babies, and supervising homework were the bane of my existance. I would literally have to force myself through these daily tortures, all the while wondering how my friends did it and why on earth I was so lazy that I couldn't do it. It never crossed my mind that it wasn't my fault, that no matter how hard I tried, it was pretty much impossible for me to do those things without help.
My neighbor had been telling me for a couple of years that she thought I was ADD. Who else, she asked, can nurse an infant, talk on the telephone, unload groceries from the car, fix lunch and feed it to a pair of toddlers, put the groceries away AND start supper, all at the same time? I scoffed: if I was so ADD, why did I do well in high school? She argued that I didn't do so well in college though, did I? Still, I blew her off. I'm an adult, that's a kid's disorder. I'm a girl, that's a boy thing. I'm not hyper, I'm lazy.
WRONG. On all counts.
1. ADD does affect adults, estimated to be around 8 million. How many, like me, are running around undiagnosed thinking that they are just weak-minded, stupid, lazy, failures?
2. ADD does affect girls. The symptoms just tend to express themselves differently than they do in boys. It is true that in childhood it affects more boys than girls, but it has been discovered that Adult ADHD occurs equally among the sexes.
3. I'm not lazy. I am, in fact, hyper. The fact that I rarely sit down to eat, can't sit without jiggling my foot or bouncing my leg, can't sit through a movie (even one I'm enjoying), pace while I'm talking on the telephone, stand up to put on my make-up or type on the computer, all of these things are expressions of hyper-activity. The feeling of being lazy comes from the 'shutting down' that happens when ADHD people get overwhelmed (oh, and being told repeatedly by the people who are supposed to love you that you are lazy).
There are few things more frustrating than not being able to finish anything you start, unless it's not being able to start because you have no idea how. Especially when you know, logically, that you're not a stupid person. There is nothing more heartbreaking than finally arriving at your destination, only to be made fun of for being late. Again. There is nothing worse than feeling like a disappointment to the people you love...except maybe when they quit loving you because they just can't take it any more.
I finally listened to my neighbor and went to the doctor. The doctor came in with a screening questionnaire...she asked me the first question and by the time I had finished answering that one, I had inadvertently answered ALL the questions on the questionnaire. She started me out on a low-ish dose, I may have to go up but only time will tell.
I still jiggle my foot when I sit. I still easily think about 4 or 5 things at once. I still pace when I talk on the phone. But for the first time in my life, what's racing through my head isn't all-consuming. I can actually formulate a plan and carry it out. I can go into the grocery store, pick up a few things, and get out. Without crying, no less. I haven't been late to work since I started taking the medicine. I'm not exhausted by 3 o'clock every day.
Do you think my husband will feel bad when he figures out that he left me because I had an un-diagnosed, un-treated neuropsychiatric condition? One that is a result not of laziness, lack of willpower, or stupidity, but of genetics and biology? That I couldn't help the way I was any more than I could if I had diabetes or hypertension?
Do you think my family and friends will quit poking fun at me for always running late and having a messy house?
Do you think my boss will write my past tardiness off as 'excused' when he finds out that I really couldn't help it?
Do you think I can go back to college, and actually enjoy it and be successful?
Oh, what I would give to have all the wasted years back...
I love Vox...it helped me start blogging way back in 06. But I'm tired of the crap I get from them, tired of people adding me who are nothing but pervs and such. So, I have my own blog now. I'm in the process of moving my old blog posts from here to the new site and have a few new posts there as well.
I would love some comments and some followers, so please follow me to The Four Pates and bookmark it! :) Also, feel free to "share" the site with other blog readers who you think will get a kick out of my posts!
Thank you for the love I've gotten here. I will still read and comment on my 'hood, so you haven't gotten rid of me!
Well, working as a waitress, you overhear a lot of conversations. Some are about work, some are about who did what to whom, some are about spouses, some are about golf. Some really make your eyes fly open wide, because you never dreamed that you would hear anyone utter out loud the words you just overheard. Some just bear repeating, and I have permission from the teller of this story to reproduce it in print:
A couple took their small child to the zoo, I'm not sure which zoo or exactly how old the child was but he seemed to be around the 5-6 yr age range. At some point during their visit, the child got separated from his parents. After frantically searching, the relieved parents found their child, soaking wet, in the gift shop. They gathered him up and took him home, and as they were getting his bath ready he said, "Daddy, I took something from the zoo."
"Son, what did you take from the zoo?"
"A penguin. It's in my backpack."
Remembering that they found him in the gift shop, the dad sternly said, "Son, it's not right to take things that aren't yours. You're going to have to return the penguin from the zoo and apologize for taking it. Now, go get the penguin out of your backpack."
And he did.
You can imagine his dad's face when he saw the penguin.
It was alive.
For Spring Break, the kids and I drove out to Clarksville, Tennessee to stay with Carrie, Bennett, and the boys. I had just crossed the Tennessee line at about, oh - say 10 o'clock at night, when I saw the flashing blue and red lights in the rearview mirror. After spending the last nine hours listening to the hundred or so episodes of Scooby-Doo that the kids had been watching, they had just fallen asleep. And now, I was getting pulled over. Which would wake them up. I was not a happy mommy.
While I waited for the Tennessee State Trooper to approach my car window, I rooted around in my purse for my driver's license and proof of insurance while frantically checking the rearview mirror every two seconds to see if any little heads had popped up yet. I finally saw the officer walking towards me, so I rolled down the window. What transpired went as follows:
Officer: "Good evening, Ma'am. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me, whispering: "Shh-ssssshhhhhh! I have been in this car for over nine hours with three kids, listening to endless episodes of Scooby-Doo, and they just. fell. asleep."
Officer, looking sheepish and lowering his voice: "Oh. Sorry. I think one is awake, I saw one shifting around when I walked up."
Officer, mentally shaking his head and putting on his professional face, though still speaking very softly: "Ma'am, I pulled you over because I clocked you running 78 in a 70 m.p.h. zone."
Me, scowling at Officer.
Officer, looking sheepish again: "Actually, that gives us an excuse to pull you over so we can check for our real purpose, which is stopping drug trafficking."
Me, with a three foot long stuffed tiger in the front seat and scattered Scooby-Doo DVD boxes everywhere, flaying Officer's skin off his face with my white-hot, super-angry Mommy Stare.
Officer, stammering slightly: "They've started using women in mini-vans to transport drugs because they think we won't bother to pull them over."
Me, altering the white-hot, super-angry Mommy Stare to add Knitted Brows and Are-you-serious? tilt of the head upon hearing, "Mama? Are you going to jail?" in a very small voice from the back seat.
Officer: "Ma'am?Doyouhaveanyillegalsubstancesinyourpossession?"
Me, coolly: "Do you count half a bag of stale Chex Mix as an illegal substance?"
Officer: "No, ma'am."
Me: "Then the answer is no."
From the back seat: "Are we to Aunt Cree's yet?"
Officer, blanching slightly: "Um. Ok. Have a safe trip, ma'am."
Officer, as an afterthought: "Oh. And, ma'am? Please try to observe the posted speed limits?"
From the back seat: "Yeah, are we there yet?"
Me, emitting powerful laser beams from my eyes: "Thank you, Officer."
Officer, scurrying toward cruiser: "You're welcome, ma'am. Have a good night."
Frankenputer is home!
Put down your pitchforks and boiling pitch, that's not a bad thing. Frankenputer is the laptop that Bennett built me in Iraq, we call it that because it's basically a collection of Dell parts that he had laying around (why he had computer parts...enough to build a whole computer...just laying around I can't answer). Anyway, provided my motherboard holds out this time, I'm once again linked to the rest of the world. Go, me! Or rather, Go, Frankenputer!
Happy 4th of July everyone. I took the kids to Addison's KaboomTown last nite to watch one of the best fireworks displays in the nation. It was trully awesome. I wish I had pictures to post - some of the fireworks I have never seen before and I'm something of an afficianado, growing up with a pyrotechnician for a dad and all. But even if I had a camara I'm sure I'm not a good enough photographer to capture the spectacular display that we were treated to last night.
Wonder if Bennett has any camara parts laying around?
My due date...wow, today I was due with Jaylon. Instead I have a 4 week old newborn who is getting chubbier by the day and who's cheeks are so squishy puffy I can't get enough of them. A newborn who sleeps pretty well at night but has gas and tummy issues during the day; who loves to be held and cuddled but also loves his "alone" time and time in the car. A newborn who rocks my world every day and who totally fits with our family already.
I had the usual doctor’s appt that Tuesday. I had the NST like always too. While hooked to the monitor Jay wasn’t all that active so they had to wake him up. After using the little vibrating thing he was awake and doing great. I had mentioned to my doc that my discharge had changed; I told him I probably just pee myself and that’s what it was. He laughed and agreed but decided to check anyway. I was right, just pee. While the doc was there he checked me and I was not dilated and only 25% effaced.
Things changed when my blood pressure was taken. I had been flirting with pre-eclampsia the entire pregnancy and unfortunately my pressures that day were too high to be ignored. 139/93 was the highest they’ve ever been and my doc didn’t feel comfortable just letting me go on my merry way. So, he sent me to the hospital for a 24-hr urine collection and a liver enzyme workup to rule out the pre-e.
I called Sean, which I never do after an appt, so he knew something was up. I explained that I was just headed to the hospital for observation for 24-hrs or so and to just take Kenna to softball practice like normal. I called my mom and explained to her what was going on and that the doc said that we wouldn’t have a baby today; depending on how the tests came back it may be Thursday though. I asked her to call my sis because I was just getting to the hospital and needed to go to triage and get checked in and such.
When I got to triage my blood pressure was wonderful. But since my doc sent me they had to keep me anyway. I was sent to put on a gown and get on the monitor in the little triage curtained area until a room opened on the maternity ward. This is where my time gets off a tad, so please forgive me. After a while on the monitor a doc came in and asked if I was feeling the contractions that were showing up on the strip. I explained that I was and they were pretty painful. I could talk through them though so I didn’t think much about them. The doc went ahead and did an u/s to see how Jay was laying then she checked me to see if the contractions were doing anything, and they were. I was now 1cm and 50% effaced. Not a huge change but enough to warrant some wondering if something was going to happen. My doc then came in, so now it was after 5, so I had been there for about 1 hr. He asked about the contractions but we both shrugged them off since they weren’t too painful. He said again that I was just there to pee in the hat for 24 hrs and check my liver functions, and off he went to another patient.
The contractions kept coming every 2 minutes and started to hurt pretty badly. It wasn’t the contractions themselves; it was the burning between the contractions that got me. Finally at 7:30-ish (I say this because shift change had happened) a new intern and resident came in to check on me. I explained to them that I was now in pain and having to breathe through the contractions…having to stop talking to them during the contractions they were hurting so badly now. They decided to check me again to see if they were changing me anymore. Yip…now I was 2cm and 50%. Then I started hearing the resident call the anesthesiologist telling him that there’s a repeat c-section in curtain 3 that is in labor…wait I was in curtain 3. How did I go from no baby just peeing in a bucket to repeat c-section at 36wks in a matter of a few hours? The intern and resident came back into my curtain and explained that the contractions were causing cervical changes so we were going to do the section that night, so I wouldn’t labor with my history. I told them that my husband was about 30-45 minutes away and he needed to find a sitter, so if we could hold off until he got there that would be awesome. They agreed and called my doc to explain the changes and what was happening. The c-section was all set for 9:30 or 10pm. I called Sean at 7:45-ish when Kenna’s practice was over and told him that I was in labor and we were going to have this baby tonight. He kind of freaked out a little, although I can’t blame him. Part of me was freaking too…this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen…it wasn’t Monday the 27th yet and I wasn’t full term yet. But the burning between contractions sucked and I was quite happy to get rid of the pain.
I called mom, sis and dad to explain to them the goings on and what had changed. Meanwhile, Sean called some co-workers to see if they’d come up to the hospital to watch Kenna so he could be in the OR with me.
Sean finally got there at 8:30 or so (again, times may be off a little). As soon as he walked into my curtained area I felt a gush. I thought my water had broken so I asked him to tell the nurse/intern/resident of what I felt. Then the flurry of activity started. In this little tiny “room” there was me in a huge bed, Sean, nurse, resident, intern and the u/s machine. The bed was broken down to do a sterile exam to see if it was my water and the nurse started another IV. The intern sucked…she was so rough that I swear she checked my cervix with her entire arm, she was so forceful that she shoved me upwards on the bed when she rammed her hand up there…OUCH! All I heard was that there “was 2cc”. I thought she was talking about amniotic fluid. The resident ran out to call my doc and the intern did the u/s to check on Jay again. That’s when I saw what a placental abruption looks like on an u/s. I knew what I had seen and knew what it meant. I could hear the resident, whose name btw was Melani, tell my doc that I was abrupting again and we needed to have the section done quickly. The resident, Melani, came back in and explained that my doc was almost there. Suddenly the anesthesiologist was there explaining spinals and what to expect. I signed forms Ok’ing a transfusion, a form about not having an advance directive, signed forms for Jay to get medical help, etc. I asked if Kenna could come back so I could give her a hug and kiss, since she was under 14 she wasn’t “allowed” back there but they said sure. She looked a little freaked seeing all the flurry of activity around me, but I tried to be calm and told her that Jaylon was coming tonight. She was excited by that thought, and then off she went back to the waiting room. Then poof, there was my doc. He laughed and said he was shocked but “let’s have a baby”. Then off I was wheeled.
The spinal was given and I was laid down on the horribly uncomfy bed. That’s when I realized how much blood I had lost, we moved the pad underneath me and there was quite a bit on it. One nurse joked that I wanted attention, but I didn’t laugh…after losing 2 kids and abrupting once I didn’t want to laugh. I think she got the idea. The shaking began and an oxygen mask was placed on my face. Then my doc walked in, I hardly recognized him with a mask on. But he patted my head and told me that it’d be OK. I believed him. I was wheeled into the OR at 9:04, spinal at 9:07 and section started at 9:20. I remember hearing the times being called out. The anesthesiologists (I had two) kept asking how I was. I told them fine but “where was my husband”. They finally brought him in and he was there for just a few minutes when Jay came out. I never heard “it’s a boy” or “here he is”, I just remember feeling a “lightening” and knew he was out. Then after a few seconds heard the most pitiful cry ever. Jay never needed oxygen, never needed help breathing or never went to the NICU, he was just fine. Jaylon Reid was born at 9:33pm, 6lbs. 8.8oz and 19 ½ inches long. Apgars were 8 and 9. I got to see him for what seemed like a few seconds then off he and Sean went. I got my blue band and smiled happily. I was given the versed (I don’t give a shit shot) so I was tired and kept dozing a little. I remember my doc telling me afterwards that they could only find one tube, so they tied it. The other was so “mixed in” with the scar tissue from the c-section with Jackson that they couldn’t find it. So, in 5 wks I will have to make an appt to have another procedure done to close up that tube, since we’re not doing this whole pregnancy thing again!
After the section I was wheeled into L&D and monitored. I was awake most of the time and kept trying to make my legs move. I had to be able to move my legs and hold my butt off the bed before I could be moved to the floor. Sean came in and told me how Jay was doing and gave me his stats. He told me that he was taking Kenna home since it was after 11 now. I was wheeled into my own room at mid-night-ish. I still hadn’t seen Jay but for a few seconds. Finally at 4am the nursery brought me my son, who I got to finally hold and love on. He was perfect, tiny and perfect.
Visiting hours began at 10am and by 10:30 Sean, Kenna, Mom and Chris were at the hospital ready to meet Sweet Baby Jay. Kenna was smitten. She just had this smile on her face that I hope I’ll never forget. Mom, although moving slowly after her 2wk stay in the hospital after a botched heart cath, looked so happy and relieved.
We were released on Thursday (yes, that’s less than 2 days after having a c-section). My sis and dad decided to join the fun early too and they came in early Friday morning, upping their trip by a few days, since Jaylon upped his arrival!
At his one week appt Jay was already up to 6lbs 13 oz and 20 inches long. He’s such a quiet content baby, which is nothing like his big sister was. He’s sleeping 3-4 hr chunks at night and right now still sleeps quite a bit during the day. I’ve been doing good too. It’s nothing like the last c-section I tell ya.
I’m so thankful that my doc sent me to the hospital that day. Someone (God, Avery, Jackson or all three!) was watching out for us because it could have been nasty if I were at home and started abrupting. I think it all happened for a reason. I’m also thankful to have a healthy son who, although technically a preemie, hasn’t had any breathing problems, no problems with his sugars or anything. Just a smidge of jaundice but what baby doesn’t have that a little?! And I'm so thankful for my daughter, who won't stop petting her baby brother!
Our family finally feels complete, just the four of us, and it's amazing!
Ya know, it's nice knowing (with some certainty) when your baby will arrive. Yes there's the chance that he could come early (and some days I feel that way with the contractions and loss of part of my mucous plug), but for the most part I think he'll stay put for 10 more days. I like knowing that on that Monday morning I'll wake up, take a shower and put on a smidgen of makeup with waterproof mascara, get dressed with my burgeoning belly one more time, hug my only child one more time and take the 30 minute drive with my husband as a family of three one last time. It's bittersweet in a way. Kenna's life will totally change, as will ours as a family. I like being a family of three, it's fit us perfectly for 7 years. But at the same time I'm ready for the "upgrade" to a quartet and I think that we'll make a damn fine foursome as well.
I hope I know what I'm in for. I haven't had a newborn in forever and never a boy newborn at that. When I was pregnant with Jackson I didn't want a boy. I admit it. I didn't really know he was a boy until the day he died. I didn't want to know because I think in my heart I already did know and didn't want the disappointment. I'm being honest here people, it's not pretty and it's not "right" but it's the way I felt back then. As soon as I got my positive pregnancy test this time I knew it was a boy again. But this time I was totally stoked that it was a boy. Yes I joked that I wouldn't know what to do with his "parts", but inside I was bursting that I got my healthy son! Kenna's pretty happy it's a boy too, I thought for sure she wanted a girl, but she recently told me that she's happy with what we've got. Sean has yet to say that he's excited also. Not a guy of a ton of words, those who know him will attest to that, but I think he's pretty durn happy that his name will go on, at least for another generation.
It just amazes me that in a little over one week I'll be thrown back into diapers and bottles, crying and no sleep, cooing and drool. I never thought that we'd be there again, and I have to admit it feels damn good!
As you can tell, we're not on the countdown at all around here...nope not even Kenna. My appts lately are so boring that it's wonderful. Nothing new to report, amazing enough. I have NSTs weekly and Jay did great today. Played and had fun for the first part so well that they didn't care that he tuckered himself out and slept through the last half. My blood sugars are awesome, better than my docs is what he says. The nausea that plagued me for the first 2/3 of the pregnancy has now come back again. Which makes eating horribly hard, but I just take my meds and eat when I can.
I did find out a bummer today though regarding my c-section. Previously we were Ok'd to have my sis in there with us taking pics. Well, the hospital has a new policy (apparently due to litagation) where you cannot take a picture of any procedure at all, so they won't let sis in. I'm totally bummed because not only was she my photographer (my paparazzi), she was my support when/if Sean left with Jaylon. Now I'll be stuck on the table by myself, well and about 15 other people but they won't "care" about me and talk to me like sis would. Sis took the news wonderfully, I, however, wanted to cry.
But on some brighter news, Kenna lost another tooth last night, on the way to her softball game. She was really trying to get it out before we left but kept on trying in the car and suceeded. She now looks like a jack-o-lantern, I'll have to get a pic today. Also, Kenna went 3 for 3 at bats at the game! Her first hit in a game, then followed that up with two more at bats and two more hits! For those not into baseball stats (like mom!), that means she technically batted 1000! I'm so proud of her. She's also reading so much more and better. I can't get on the computer without her over my shoulder reading about the latest gossip from People.com!
Anyway, all is perfect in these parts. I have contractions all the time and they hurt my c-section scar, but doc said that's just the nerves that were cut during the previous one. I'm totally uncomfortable and don't sleep much, but I'll take it 'cause that means I have a healthy baby, for once! Oh and those asking about me and checking in...you are TOTALLY not bugging me. I just love that I have people who care in my life and your checking in means alot to me!
BTW...13 days!
