7 posts tagged “pregnancy”

" The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us."
Ashley Montague

I've been putting off writing this post, and since this post is basically all that is in my brain right now, I haven't written anything. My brain has had a hard time processing some things, and I still don't think I'm there yet, but I'm ready to write anyway. As ready as I'll ever be.

As soon as I had my first cycle after birthing Dora (Jan 21, blogged about here.) my husband started wanting to have another baby. Wanted to start "trying". I...did not. There were several reasons. One is between my husband and I, dealing with a few changes I needed to see happen so that I felt confident in being able to handle two children. Another is that two kids sounds WAY harder than one. I mean, bedtime routine for a kid AND an infant? Sounds like murder. Another, and possibly looming the largest in my mind, was "trying". I mean, I'd had a two year break between being pregnant and not having cycles while nursing and the absolute relief at not having to worry about it all day every day was still palpable. I was not ready to do that again. At all.

If you read the post I linked above, you know that after my big heavy cycle of Jan 21, I had a few days of spotting on Feb 20, and then I had some more spotting that started March 18 and never really developed into a period, but just cycled between spotting or not for several weeks. That is what I used to fight with all the time. Heavy periods with spotting in between, and very little time of the old utero-cooteral region actually playing nice. I was not happy about the quick return to the bullshit. I was constantly bloated feeling and tired and just not happy about the whole thing. Why can't my body ever just be normal? And all this time Sean is still bringing up wanting another baby pretty regularly. "Well, why don't you just start taking your temperature? We don't have to go to the doctor." You know, subtle pressure. And bleeding like that all the time always makes me anemic. It had only been going on off and on very lightly for a few weeks and I was already feeling exhausted. I had forgotten how draining it was.

One day at work (April 2, to be exact) I was complaining about all of this to a close friend of mine who had also been going to our OB/GYN to try to get her birth control side effects straightened out. After showing her all the bloat I had, she asked if I'd taken a pregnancy test. It was that bad. I scoffed at her, and was like "Thanks for the vote of confidence." The fact that it looked that bad convinced me that I should probably call the doctor, even though I was pretty against going back on the pill and I was afraid that was all he could offer me. He comment niggled at me all day, and I finally decided I'd pee on a stick when I got home just to rule it out and to be able to have more info for the doctor. Also, the more I thought about it, the more things felt vaguely familiar.

It was positive.

I was still spotting.

I called the doctor, and said that I assumed my last cycle was Feb 20. They said there was no reason for me to see the doctor until I was 10 weeks along, and I asked them to have the nurse call me because I was spotting. The nurse called and told me not to worry about it unless it was bright red. I kept spotting off and on, and I kept calling the nurse and she kept telling me not to worry unless it was bright red. During the week after I first called the doctor, I got a blood draw for the pregnancy hormone, which she said was "good" and two progesterone checks which were also good. I got the numbers on them, because I had to be supplemented with Dora and wanted to be sure that wasn't what was causing the spotting, but I just accepted her "good" on the hcg number. Very unlike me, but my brain still wasn't working very well.

The spotting tapered off, my husband got cut off, and I waded through the days until my appointment. I was getting so big that at around what I thought was 8 weeks I had to dig out my maternity pants and tell my boss what was going on. My husband was teasing me about twins, and finally my mom says "You know, I asked you if you were pregnant in February and you laughed at me." My husband also decided it was a great idea to tell the whole town. I was not ready for that. By the time my appointment rolled around on April 24th, I was praying that I was 13+ weeks along rather than 9+, because if this was twins I was going to have a heart attack and the belly was BIG. It had to be one or the other, surely.

The doctor said my uterus was consistent with a 13 week pregnancy, and that 4 days of spotting in February does not a period make. We heard the heartbeat. The heartbeat. The beautiful, beautiful heartbeat.

I am pregnant.

16 weeks. I only had one true period after my cycles returned.

You are caught up.

I am astounded, I am grateful, I am scared, I am flabbergasted, I am confused, but most of all I am pregnant.

40 weeks. I'm 40 weeks pregnant. The first 36 or so of them really flew by, but this last month? Not so much. Yesterday was my non-stress test. I just had to lay very uncomfortably for a little while so they could get a good read on the baby's heartbeat and my contractions. The heartbeat was wonderful, but there were no contractions. Which, duh, I knew that already. I had one tiny little Braxton-Hicks while I was laying there and it barely even showed up on the monitor. Upshot is this: She's perfectly happy in there. Which is great. But, you know? I'm kinda ready for her to be out here, even if I have to sacrifice a little of her happiness for a while. Unfortunately, no sign of that happening. Still dilated to a 1, and my cervix is so posterior even that's hard to check (not to mention somewhat painful for me). Also, since the cervix is posterior, I don't think it's even getting much pressure from her head to help it ripen. As the good doc says, I'm just gonna have to have some contractions.

Anybody know where the contraction store is? Because all I'm finding is my friend's new scrapbooking store and I just don't think that's gonna help me right now.

Still dilated to a one. Still waiting. I'm ready. Seriously. I go next Thursday for my checkup and a non-stress test. My due date (according to my doctor) is Wednesday, so after that they're checking to make sure the baby's not under any stress, or they'll induce. The doc says he won't let me go much more than a week overdue. My grandad says it'll be the 10th, which is a week from this Sunday. I hope it's by then, because at that point I'll be facing an induction date.

ARGH.

How ironic would it be if I spent all this time and money to get and try to stay pregnant, only to have to be induced?

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend, complete with three separate family celebrations (ahhhh the joys of two divorced sets of parents). I also got my hospital bag packed and my house mostly decorated for Christmas. I started on wrapping Christmas presents, but ran out of paper before I finished. I think this is nesting.

All you moms out there, tell me something...last night I rolled over, I kinda led with one leg so that my feet were together but my knees were apart, and my pubic bone made a loud popping noise. That bone has been kinda sore, and it's a bit more sore today, and I'm feeling a lot of pressure. Should I be worried? Should I call the doc? This whole pregnancy gig does some WEIRD things to the old body, I'll say that much.

In other news, I don't go in to get checked this week until Thursday, so I'm still waiting. Wouldn't mind going into labor before then, but I know the odds of going into labor early with my first kid are slim to none. So I wait.

Dilated to a one! No effacement, so I don't think labor is imminent, but at least I know the contractions are doing something besides annoying me. Maybe this long Thanksgiving weekend I can get my hospital bag packed, and wait some more. 

37 weeks pregnant and the old cervix is still "long and closed", which I suppose is to be expected, especially with a first pregnancy. Little Girl has dropped, so I'm waddling like a duck, but at least I know she's head down and ready to go. I also know that my doctor won't, under any circumstances, let it be longer than 5 weeks from now before I deliver. So we're basically talking a month at most. Cue freakout, but calm freakout. Like the lady at birthing class told the girl who cried after watching the birthing video and said "I don't wanna do that"..."Well, hon, you kinda have to." I don't really think it's the L&D that I'm worried about, I think it's that whole "taking care of another human being who is totally dependant on me" thing. I'll be fine. I have great help. I think I'm ready. As ready as I'll ever be.

And also, I'm tired of waiting.

Bring it on.

I suppose it only makes me normal to be kinda freaking out right about now. I mean, I'm 36 weeks pregnant, that's allowed, right? (Aside: It's very...odd...for me to consider things in terms of a normal pregnant woman. After two plus years of battling infertility, considering anything as a pregnant woman period is amazing. But back to the freakout.) The nursery is finally painted, and the hubby is supposed to be putting the furniture back in it today. I have all the stuff from my shower that needs to be unpacked, washed, and put up.  I have almost everything I need (provided I win this stroller/infant seat/carseat base on ebay in a few minutes), but I'm being faced with the prospect of, well, you know. Squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of my lady parts. And then taking care of that something even when she's a teenager and starts to think Calista freaking Flockhart looks great. OH! And don't forget about using the above-mentioned lady parts for their original duties sometime in the next decade so my husband doesn't leave me! So, we'd all be worried if I weren't freaking out, right?

Can you tell I go Thursday to check to see if I'm dilating yet?

Holy kamoly Batman, I think I'm gonna have a baby.